I need to be alone. It’s the only place I can’t hurt you.
I will eventually. I always do. Again and again, what seems like a gesture of friendship comes out as an ugly attack.
It’s very important to me to keep my relationships intact. Whether as colleagues or friends. When I advance any meeting to a further form of interaction, there is always a risk that things will get worse instead of the intended better. For example, hey we could be friends, let’s hang out, cool, things are going well, let’s hang out more! Then it happens. I do or say something that really pisses the other person off(slept with someone I shouldn’t have, said something in jest that offended them, etc. etc.), then the relationship becomes worse than it was when we were colleagues. So why did it have to escalate?
It didn’t. I was better off alone.
Some people I can have friendships with. I appear to be unable to hurt them. I like these people.
People tell you that you should want friends, the more the better. I disagree. I feel we should focus more on how to be happy in and with oneself. Luckily, my personality lends itself to being left alone allowing me numerous opportunities to enjoy such selfish introspections.
I’d love to be friends with more people. I just know you’ll give up on me. You will. It’s fine, you do you. Don’t be ashamed. You owe me nothing, so when you finally see the real me and run, don’t feel bad. You’re not the first, or tenth, and so on. I’m a work in progress. While the end extent of this progress is hard to judge, I assure it started at the very bottom.
The problem here is that reading this will most certainly evoke some sort of sympathetic or empathetic response. This is because we’re conditioned to feel that. It’s fine. You see loneliness as a problem and friends as a positive. I see them just as states of being and facts to deal with and respond to accordingly. Instead of trying to fight sadness, I try to learn to be happy in it. But, by definition you can’t be both happy and sad. I think. Too lazy to look up the definitions.
I’m alone so I feel sad then I learn to enjoy that loneliness which makes me happy so I then start to talk to people more and get friends. Then I hurt these friends either subconsciously or accidentally and lose them, becoming alone and sad again. Then you love the sadness and it all starts over again.
I kinda like it. I tell myself I do because it’s humbling when it happens and it always gives me something to learn while I’m alone. I get better. Not in emotion but in skill. The ability to control my own behavior and learn from my mistake. Then I feel like a better man, more grown, more mature, and I can take this positive feeling to stand tall enough alone that it eventually leads to another friendship to ruin, learn from, and commit again. Always learning, always lonely, always with friends, always happy, always sad.
I compare self introspection and personal growth to driving a car that’s spewing black smoke. While you can easily look at it from the outside and say the driver is the cause for the smoke, I assure you, the driver wants it to stop more than anyone. In theory, I’m trying to build a luxury car piece by piece. I’m just still missing a lot of parts.
Or maybe I’m just an overdramatic masochist. Both theories are just as valid. Fuck off.