Thirty Things

30 things I’ve learned in 30 years

1 Working harder makes your life easier.

2 No good solution comes from without, only within.

3 Always Look up, not down, when you’re thinking. Never be ashamed of thinking.

4 Kindness is the easiest thing to give with the biggest rewards.

5 Never half-ass anything.

6 The only thing between you and anything you want is time. Have patience.

7 There are only two types of problems; those you can fix and those you can’t.

8 You’re better than that.

9 You’re not above this.

10 There are some things in this world you’ll never understand, doesn’t mean you can’t try.

11 The world is filled with talented men that amount to nothing.

12 Without desire there is no suffering. You are most likely the cause of your own anger.

13 Honesty isn’t the nicest policy but it is always the most efficient.

14 Comparing yourself to others limits you to living in their shadow.

15 Being smart is not an adjective but a choice you make every day to learn.

16 No one owes you anything.

17 Ordinary methods, ordinary results :Extraordinary methods extraordinary results.

18 Don’t worry how many people are doing something, just be cream: the cream always rises to the top

19 Pick your battles. If there’s nothing to gain, let it go.

20 There are people you love and those you hate but you can learn from all of them.

21 Confidence isn’t everything. but it’s most of it.

22 You can’t paint a pretty picture without using dark colors.

23 You can’t accept someone and judge their past. The picture’s the same regardless of the brush used.

24 Always be willing to change your mind.

25 The view is always better from the high road.

26 Being late is saying that your time is more valuable than others.

27 Success is savored sweetest by those who ne’er succeed.

28 There are 3 steps to criticism; let it in completely, think about it conditionally, then let it go

29 Keep your hands to yourself.

30 What you say is not what people hear. Speak to them not at them.

Kindness

I love you.

That’s I guess the best way I can express it. As a collective whole, I’m starting to regain faith in humanity. However, that’s a logical fallacy. Appeal to popularity. Just because something is more commonly help as fact, does not make it one.

People have started being very nice to me lately. I’m not taking it well. I suppose many would say these are good problems. Fair enough. But. When your motivation has always been to prove them wrong about you, what do you do when people start believing in you? Do bad to prove them wrong again? It’s strange to argue against your own hard fought respect.

I prefer to be the one they didn’t see coming. I’m going to be wearing more hats. I understands this seems over reactive. You want to say, “Well, Sean. You’re not really anything yet in the larger scale of things. This seems premature to have an issue with minute notoriety.” I agree. But, I would also argue that the ego is a slippery slope. If I give in to the simplest of compliments, relax, or god forbid enjoy any modicum of success, I’m more likely to not focus on my next steps. You must focus. If I don’t know where I’m going, how can I get there?

Many of my friends have left for L.A. or N.Y. apparently fleeing Chicago’s lack of an initial. I feel this thinking is backwards. If you consider stand-up a job, there are two takes on it. Either you can look for a job, or you can create one. This is the business side of stand-up. People move to the coasts to look for a better job in front of a more important crowd. Fuck. That.

What’s wrong with this crowd? Nothing. They’re an audience like any other and just as important. It’s not my fault you thought your lack of success was based on your location. Some people were better designed for the coasts and I understand that. But don’t blame your career on our city. I wouldn’t dare move on until I knew I had exhausted all of the resources of Chicago. This is my Tunisia.

This city inspires me to work. I love the weight placed on respect here. The people here inspire me to write. And part of that, requires that I remain grounded, always. I don’t speak of the praise people send me often for many reasons both obvious and subtle. But even in its smallest form, it’s discomforting. I do not accept your kindness. If I do, I’ll become complacent and just peddle the same disjointed hour of comedy desperately trying to stand out without doing anything different. To stay ahead of the curve, I must reshape myself constantly. It’s better off for you as an audience and me as a comic, that I be mean to myself.

As a side note; I’m out of beer now and only have cherry coke to replace it. Not the worst scenario but definitely a curve ball.

I want to create a machine. An assembly line for stand-up comedy. Where in, I would be able to select 2 topics and write 20+ on each within 6 months and then sharpen it for another 6 and record a new album every year or so. This would allow people to purchase my albums based on the subject and thus slightly separate me from the mass of white male comics. Hey he looks like everyone else, but it’s about a subject I wanna hear jokes about.

But. To create this machine, I need a place to practice. In peace. I could peddle my hour or take the advantage of my situation and build a machine that will be strong enough to cope with attention. At this point, I am unable to deal with even the smallest kindness. If I’m able to meet my goals, I’ll be able to produce another 40 and sell one 45 before I turn thirty. That’s a lot of work. And I can’t work if people are being kind to me. Jerks.

I need your scrutiny as much as your laughs.

Well this was all terribly self-indulgent. Luckily, the act of writing anything and putting it online is indulgent in that you believed something you thought should be shared. Other’s concern should be taken into account before sharing anything and not for granted. This is why I don’t tell people when I update this. I’m not so arrogant as to believe anyone will read this. 😉

Genius

There was an interview with a member of MENSA, the high IQ club, where in the member was asked if they thought themselves a genius. They said no. They understood that they had an exceptional memory and a very efficient organizational ability, but still refused to acknowledge that they were a genius. This particular member said they felt that genius required creation. They looked at their life, saw they had excelled but yet had not created anything new. They hadn’t added to the collective intelligence of our species. I prefer this idea of genius. Too easily do we hold the idea of a genius parallel to intelligence. Intelligence is just the speed at which we learn things. IQ is the potential we hold at a certain moment and can actually change based on our experiences. But genius, that’s about creativity. While more emphasized in our culture than most, creativity is still not nourished nearly as much as it should be.

Oh, you’re this high end profession? You must be a genius! False. No one is intelligent or dumb based on their career or other real measurable means. Intelligence to me, is a choice. A decision you make every time an opportunity presents itself to learn.

You are constantly assailed with opportunities to learn. When faced with this daily opportunity, you have a choice to be intelligent or not. If you choose to learn from it, you are smart, if not, you’re a big ol’ dummy. These are temporary conditions completely under your control. Choose to be smart and you will be.

It pains me when I hear a person describe themselves as dumb or smart. You are never always one or the other. You’re constantly choosing. If you decide you ARE one or the other then I feel that can only lead to you missing opportunities. Why learn when you’re already smart? Who cares if you’re already dumb? Both ideas lock you into not learning. You then make learning an activity to be planned. It’s not planned. It’s to be found and relished.

To use an oft overused quote from Mark Twain, “Never let your schoolin’ get in the way of your education”.

Never let anything get in the way of your education. It is never complete. You can always be better. Always be smarter. Always. The height of arrogance to me is to assume that you don’t need to know something. How do you know? You can’t tell the usefulness of information when it’s presented to you.

Your brain technically has unlimited storage capacity, as far as we know. The problem with your brain is the organization. Your file system. Technically, every detail and moment is recorded on that wrinkly bed pan of yours. But, with so much recorded, how do you find what you need? You, and all of us, need to work on our ability to recall what we already recorded. But this is entirely too tangential to my original subject of genius. I’ll return to that.

My mother was a member of MENSA. She was extremely intelligent and is still to this day the smartest person I’ve ever met. However, my father was extremely clever. This is a different kind of intelligence. While my mother holds the record for the most amount of college classes taken and passed at a single time at the University of Tennessee, my father had the ability to see ingenious solutions to problems.

For example, my father was stationed at an army base in Germany after Vietnam and was responsible for waxing some of the barracks as part of his duties. Soldiers were being dishonorably discharged at the drop of a hat because the war was over and management was looking to lay some people off. They would bring in drug dogs to search for contraband to find targets for these layoffs. My father overheard two soldiers complaining about trying to hide their weed. As any good White(last name not race asshole) would do, he saw opportunity and struck. He said he’d fix their drug dog problem for $100(in the 70’s) and a bag of their weed. He then melted the wax into a liquid, crushed the weed into a fine powder, and mixed in the powder to the wax. After waxing the floors with this wax, anytime the dogs came in they were deemed unreliable because they thought there was weed everywhere.

This is what I call genius.

Instead of thinking of a new way to hide, he thought of a way to remove the detection device. I feel this is not an idea people would naturally jump to first. He created a new barrier by thinking outside of the norm. That’s what genius is to me.

An opportunity.

Well played and well earned. Genius is available to all of us, every day. You just need to learn every day until you can get that shot. Take it and be a genius, if only for a moment. Keep making those moments until you actually believe what I’m telling you.

Please let go of the idea that intelligence is determined or accurate or predictable. It’s variable. It’s a choice. A choice that you can make today. But, you know, if you get tired and wanna take a nap before deciding, I totally understand.

Just send ten ninety five to one two three fake street. Or not. Whatever. Look dude, just be smart. It’s your choice, today, tomorrow, and all those other days you don’t care to hear me mention. No one can tell you what you are because when you’re always learning, you become something else. No amount of insults can beat a new you.

Learn.

A Loan

I need to be alone. It’s the only place I can’t hurt you.

I will eventually. I always do. Again and again, what seems like a gesture of friendship comes out as an ugly attack.

It’s very important to me to keep my relationships intact. Whether as colleagues or friends. When I advance any meeting to a further form of interaction, there is always a risk that things will get worse instead of the intended better. For example, hey we could be friends, let’s hang out, cool, things are going well, let’s hang out more! Then it happens. I do or say something that really pisses the other person off(slept with someone I shouldn’t have, said something in jest that offended them, etc. etc.), then the relationship becomes worse than it was when we were colleagues. So why did it have to escalate?

It didn’t. I was better off alone.

Some people I can have friendships with. I appear to be unable to hurt them. I like these people.

People tell you that you should want friends, the more the better. I disagree. I feel we should focus more on how to be happy in and with oneself. Luckily, my personality lends itself to being left alone allowing me numerous opportunities to enjoy such selfish introspections.

I’d love to be friends with more people. I just know you’ll give up on me. You will. It’s fine, you do you. Don’t be ashamed. You owe me nothing, so when you finally see the real me and run, don’t feel bad. You’re not the first, or tenth, and so on. I’m a work in progress. While the end extent of this progress is hard to judge, I assure it started at the very bottom.

The problem here is that reading this will most certainly evoke some sort of sympathetic or empathetic response. This is because we’re conditioned to feel that. It’s fine. You see loneliness as a problem and friends as a positive. I see them just as states of being and facts to deal with and respond to accordingly. Instead of trying to fight sadness, I try to learn to be happy in it. But, by definition you can’t be both happy and sad. I think. Too lazy to look up the definitions.

I’m alone so I feel sad then I learn to enjoy that loneliness which makes me happy so I then start to talk to people more and get friends. Then I hurt these friends either subconsciously or accidentally and lose them, becoming alone and sad again. Then you love the sadness and it all starts over again.

I kinda like it. I tell myself I do because it’s humbling when it happens and it always gives me something to learn while I’m alone. I get better. Not in emotion but in skill. The ability to control my own behavior and learn from my mistake. Then I feel like a better man, more grown, more mature, and I can take this positive feeling to stand tall enough alone that it eventually leads to another friendship to ruin, learn from, and commit again. Always learning, always lonely, always with friends, always happy, always sad.

I compare self introspection and personal growth to driving a car that’s spewing black smoke. While you can easily look at it from the outside and say the driver is the cause for the smoke, I assure you, the driver wants it to stop more than anyone. In theory, I’m trying to build a luxury car piece by piece. I’m just still missing a lot of parts.

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Or maybe I’m just an overdramatic masochist. Both theories are just as valid. Fuck off.

 

Revenge

I have no Ruths in my life. I also am ruthless. These are incidental, I assume.

Some people call it being thorough, some cruel. While that’s a flimsy defense, my sophist nature does relish in it.

I find the idea of revenge is hard to sell. However, I also find the profit margin low and so have no real interest in selling it. I merely wish to convey my opinion in it.

Revenge is an interesting idea. Such a negative concept. Conjuring images of murder and blood feuds. This is not an accurate imagery for daily revenge. Daily Revenge I feel is different. The problem is, people associate revenge with an action. A thing that you do. I feel this is improper and frankly gives power to the offender as if they dictated your behavior. They don’t control you. But, this does not mean they shouldn’t learn from their behavior. I assure you, I am more than happy to show you the full extent of the consequences to your actions. I just don’t think it’s worth any effort to do so nor do I feel it’s my responsibility to teach anyone anything.

For example, I will not actively pursue any form of retribution upon you if you have harmed me knowingly. BUT, if you happen to wander in my crosshairs, I’m taking the shot. Period. I no longer consider your feelings as important. No further, but no less. And I don’t want you to know I’m doing it, but I am. The point is the arrogant idea I can teach you a lesson, not that you know it was from me. I actually want you to understand what you did, not that I want to hurt you. I just don’t mind that the second half is unavoidable usually.

To show you the damage you did, I will expose you to your own behavior. I do not seek this opportunity, but I am always aware of it.

You’d be surprised how quickly your friends will sell you out without realizing it.

Now you can know the pain. Saving it is important though. I will save it. I’m content with them selling you out to me for now. Just stay clear of the crosshairs. The idea that you hurt my trust and that I am now benefiting from that same issue I have created for you without your knowledge, is extremely sweet. The problem with “the Sword of Damocles” is that he knew it was there. I feel the quiet confidence of knowing the trap is set much sweeter than any form of petty active revenge. I just like being prepared. I realize both forms can be viewed as petty. Meh. I rationalize it by associating it more to the political strategy of brinksmanship. I’ll never hurt someone willingly who hasn’t gone to extreme lengths to deserve it. However, if you have gone that length, your own medicine has been ordered.

This is particularly hilarious for me because most of my arguments with people, are a result of a perceived breach or lack of trust. I am very perilous with whom I call friend. I say it understanding that it comes with a responsibility. A loyalty. If I call you friend, I mean something more than you do most likely. I called you friend and you betrayed my trust. I want you to know what it’s like to not trust your friends. Then maybe you’ll understand either the err of your ways or at least not fuck with me again.

You seem like an awful person! From this writing, yeah, I know. I almost never have anyone though that I feel deserves such treatment. It again, takes an extreme amount of damage for me to consider doing any of this. Normally, I’m content to just tell you off then and there and continue on. But some people like to push and push and my kindness NEEDS a limit. I’ll not allow myself to be taken advantage of and then have it flaunted. I have to defend myself at some point. Just know the point is very sharp.

Keep yo mouth shut

I don’t feel like writing anything. I suppose that’s an odd statement to write. I wish I could will my thoughts to the page but I assume this is something most people have experienced at all points or another. The problem is that the only alternative is recording as I speak but that broaches on the podcast territory. I guess that has a negative context. Rather, I just feel people would be less inclined to listen to an audio book of what should be written, or ad minimum edited. The way I think is undeservedly permanent in nature and so doesn’t really lend itself to recording. I guess? I dunno. Critiquing yourself, while very common, yields little in the way of perspective.

A jumble of thoughts. Picking one seems unimportant since if something meant something then I would have picked it. This is important in ascertaining my real level of care in the following.

I was gone this weekend in Charleston, IL though and so I have the obvious events in front of me to either associate my writing with either the events upon returning or the experience of leaving. As the former will most likely lend itself to recounting events where people may read or hear that I’ve commented on their behavior, or simply record the interaction, I will choose to steer clear of that. I’ve never been a fan of recounting events where mine only opinion is the source. Seems like an unfair treatment to the people involved.

This is a good reason to not include stories in my sets that speak of others specifically. I find it distasteful to do so. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with others doing it. They can only hold their own opinion of events as fact. I just don’t trust even myself to recount true motives of others in a way that would truly portray an accurate series of events. As I may strive to avoid a lone point of view: it’s all my memory has to go on.  So I am subject to my own skepticism.

I will say that in the field of recounting others’ behavior, people are pretty gung ho about that shit. “They said BLANK” and then you just have to go ok and wait until you can hear the other side of the story. But that’s a step a lot of people I think ignore. The whole idea that something sold as fact is not necessarily so. God Forbid you wait for the second half of the story. Of course, assuming only two were present. The more people, the more sides to a story. Gotta catch ’em all.

My favorite book as a kid was The Rats of Nimh not for the story, but rather that the teacher assigning the book also assigned another book. The same story, but from a different perspective. Sure, I could google it. I don’t want to though and the second title is irrelevant.

Facts are, same story but they change from one perspective to another.

For example, I know a lady that I had a brief sexual encounter with. I didn’t think anything of it. To me, the events occurred as follows; 1. I go to a bar looking for friends, 2. All friends gone except one lady I knew,  3. Out of boredom and annoyance that all friends were gone but you worked yourself up to hang out, you invite the lady to come home with you, 4. The lady performs oral on you and you then ask her leave (real classy, Sean), 5. Lady leaves without issue and you never speak of it again.

Now, these events are important as they are, to me, as facts. This is however not how things are known. The lady in question, recounts things differently. She frequently (enough that I’ve heard this recanting numerous times) mentions to people casually that we had a “thing” or that we “hooked up”. I can’t argue that the events that happened couldn’t be interpreted as hooking up, or that this event is a thing. To me personally though, we had no thing. Nor, did we hook up. To me, I just didn’t take into account the full consequences of my actions and selfishly sought a pretty decent blow job. Frankly, as far as Thursdays went, it was pretty good. BUT, I do NOT appreciate a lady out there constantly stressing that we might have had more than we did. I could express this, but what would I gain? Her hurt and spurn? For what? To have some semblance of a reputation that really amounts to nothing? Why would I wish to take away what, she apparently feels was special. It’s a damned if you do, damned it you don’t situation. The problem lies in that I don’t want to say I’m embarrassed to have done a “thing” with her. Because I’m not.

The problem is that people, boys mostly but women too, tend to take this information and make ill use of it. Sex, in all its insidious legal forms, is a mutual decision. I feel this idea is still, while legally agreeable, not commonly held. Women are seduced and tricked. God forbid they want something for themselves and aren’t a prize, trophy, and/or conquest.

And so, I have taken the opinion that it is always best to keep your mouth shut. Don’t talk. I feel every time she says something, she is not only irritating me by making me respond to a flippant night, but also, lowering the odds that I can book her without scrutiny or be booked by her without the same scrutiny.

While a stretch for some, that logic is most certainly in some person’s wheelhouse.

FUCK IT

No.

People’s careers are not to be trifled with. I will never risk impeding yours because someone else misused information I could have prevented from being public.

I am only comfortable sharing that example because it’s my passive aggressive way of saying, “Shut the fuck up before I have to publicly correct you.” My reputation isn’t a damned conversation piece. Do unto others is a real bitch to live by when you have higher standards of what shouldn’t be done.

No one benefits from talking. I had another lady recently tell me, “I had to tell somebody”. No, you didn’t. You could have recounted a tale where the names were changed and still felt the same release. I lie often and routinely. I feel no remorse for this. If you ask a question where the knowledge can only inconvenience others, I may not give you the truth. I am however a fan of giving you what you want. It’s simply a matter of giving you enough truth to believe, but not enough to inconvenience myself or others later. Yeah, I know, not a popular opinion. We’re all completely honest or completely false.

Thing is, we’re all looking for something when we ask questions. If I give you what you’re looking for while saving another person’s reputation, what’s the harm? An odd example, but a telling one;

I constantly lie about my age. Recently, two articles about my work were released where one said I was 29, and another said 32. That was a mistake on my part. I should have been watching my lies more closely. Lies are so much effort, even the simplest ones require an attention to detail we all sorely lack. Mistakes were made.

Either way, I use this as an example for when lying is acceptable as I tout honesty as if they were sponsoring me.

When someone asks me my age, I don’t respond. I wait. Within 30 seconds, the questioner will supply their own answer. “How old are you?… 32?” To which, I always respond, “yeah”. I let them feel they’re right. Why not? What if I’m 29? or 31? or 25? It doesn’t matter because you know that any attributes you assign to those ages, are stereotypes. Wisdom is gained through experience, not age. You don’t know the experience under my belt any more than the dollars in my bank account.

I wouldn’t dare to assume yours. Don’t try to make sense of my personality via erroneous facts such as age. To me, the question almost seems insulting. Not because I’m ashamed of it, but rather that you asked my zodiac or shoe size and wish to apply it to the particular conversation. What if you have some bias based on age where in you are much older than me and then apply that belief that young = dumb and discount the validity of my arguments. I lose based on something I can’t help and am a victim of prejudice (however slight compared to the normal examples of prejudice).

But to tie this all together, information should not always be shared, and not always correlated. The majority of people will draw illogical facts from logical information. The only way you can prevent misinformation and others misappropriating information, is to keep your mouth shut, lest we all look the fool. Drowning in our own care for nothing: taken too far.

“Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts.”

Stay silent, stay skeptical.

Dealing with Pain

I am routinely told by others that they view my comedy as honest because they are incapable of speaking of the same thing themselves. Either their divorce is just too painful or their family member was just too close. I assure my divorce and loss of siblings were quite painful and they were quite close. The fundamental difference is that when I have a bruise, I push it. I push it until the pain isn’t there. When you’re cut, your body tells you. But it also doesn’t stop telling you. You simply block it out. You adapt.

This is the only advice I can give to someone dealing with pain.

I am cut, I simply don’t listen to it. I push it when it flares up and dive into it. Lean into the wind. How? By talking about it. To others, yourself, crowds, therapists (I suppose), and any other method you can find. I write, big surprise, and find that no matter how you choose to express pain, you are better for it. The quality is irrelevant.

But no one wants to hear about it! No one understands! Both of these are addressed BY talking about it. A depressing thought or sad idea can sit in your mind and you’ll never take responsibility for it. Why? It’s a thought! I can just tweak it or ignore it and besides, it’s my mind where no one knows what lurks! Those are problems not benefits. SAY IT. Express yourself.

Your thoughts can get very dark sometimes. Saying it makes it real. It’s there. In stone, in time, in someone else’s head. Now you have to take responsibility. It removes the ability to ignore your own problems.

But what if when I say it, it sounds wrong or people get the wrong impression? That’s gonna happen. It’s a cycle. You speak, it becomes real, you take responsibility for it, you then rethink it. This is about how to get better not how to avoid people thinking you’re weird or sad.

It changes the course of discussion in your head. You now have new thoughts, still dark or upsetting, but you can then try to say them again to erase the previous mistake. Good. Now there’s something new out there to take responsibility for, have responded to, and to rethink. Again the conversation in your head moves forward with the fresh indignation on their face at your minds inner thoughts. More to take in, more to change, more to measure. This creates a habit of taking responsibility for your thoughts and in turn creates a surprising amount of comfort with the facts of your pain. They aren’t so bad anymore when you see the distance of how they first made you think to how they do now. More distance, more comfort. You’re learning, which is also healing.

You can’t change what happened to you, but you can change how it affects you. With further introspection come the silver linings. You couldn’t see them before when you were only mulling the same dark thoughts over and over. Get distance from the darkness through expression.

Overdramatic

Pretty sure I’m entirely too overdramatic. I don’t really know how to be any other way. Instances seem to have much more import to me than others, or at least that’s what others tell me (ex. Calm down, let it go, etc.). Looking past details to extrapolations that are made without asking: without hesitancy either. Please take into account that I am trying to express what I feel in the most accurate manner possible. To ensure the expression is accurate, to ensure you really understand, I may be guilty of overkill in my expressions. WHOA too much or your feelings are too strong. What’s too strong of an emotion? It comes, you process it, try to stand back from it, embrace it, deny it, whatever you do with it, can the extent of it be a matter of opinion?

Chronic overexpression? Is that a thing? My feelings come in waves, I assume this is not special, and as such when in a high they boil over and so it makes sense that any form of release could be seen as excessive. They were at their peak, immediately after that expression, they subside thanks in part to the release. Or at least the comfort of knowing I did it. At least I said it. At least I tried. Anything that happens after is easier to accept because you’re closer to moving the issue from can I help this to I guess not.

I can accept there are problems I cannot do anything about. Accepting that I can do nothing however is another story.

Maybe a grand gesture? No. Maybe a meandering writ? Sure, why not. I’ve often thought and am now regretting, “When lost in the darkness, it’s better to stumble forward aimlessly than stand pointlessly awaiting a light.” I’m definitely stumbling. Got that down.

The arrogance. To assume that I can change this. Or, is it cowardice to give up? How does one know when they’re beaten? When walking away is the best course? I don’t care anymore. It just feels like forever because I am painfully aware of every moment I am without.

Maybe I’m just not used to these feelings. Maybe I’m blowing it all out of proportion. All of these options are on the table of my mind like wooden challises next to the glittering cup of hope. Now that is most certainly an excessive comparison. But it makes sense? I dunno, work in a movie reference and see what happens.

But I always seem to fuck it up. This is one of my first experiences dealing with something so god damned confusing that I asked friends for advice. That’s about as uncharacteristic of an action as I can think of for me. How would they know anything? I try never to give others advice any further than “do what you think is best, etc.” and yet I was laid low.

But that’s my pride talking. Ah well, I obviously got over it.

I cannot, however, seem to get over this.

This is why one of my favorite movies is “As Good as it Gets”. He manages to somehow use true honest expression to change her mind. While my pain is not about a woman in this case, I am always romantically hopeful in the power of expression. Two movie references!? Calm down.

Just wake me up when I can go a day without being reminded. Social media, I’m looking at you.

I apparently and selfishly need it all. If not the joy, I suppose all the pain will suffice.

Please understand that this is not a cry for anything. It’s a release. The act of writing it is what’s important. I am not asking for anything and am not going to elaborate on anything. This is the most I am comfortable sharing. As a friend, you can choose to listen, as anything else, I can choose to not respond. I am seeking to become more comfortable with the idea of writing my feelings and letting them be judged under the cruel light of a computer monitor. This is a test. Testing.