Pretty sure I’m entirely too overdramatic. I don’t really know how to be any other way. Instances seem to have much more import to me than others, or at least that’s what others tell me (ex. Calm down, let it go, etc.). Looking past details to extrapolations that are made without asking: without hesitancy either. Please take into account that I am trying to express what I feel in the most accurate manner possible. To ensure the expression is accurate, to ensure you really understand, I may be guilty of overkill in my expressions. WHOA too much or your feelings are too strong. What’s too strong of an emotion? It comes, you process it, try to stand back from it, embrace it, deny it, whatever you do with it, can the extent of it be a matter of opinion?
Chronic overexpression? Is that a thing? My feelings come in waves, I assume this is not special, and as such when in a high they boil over and so it makes sense that any form of release could be seen as excessive. They were at their peak, immediately after that expression, they subside thanks in part to the release. Or at least the comfort of knowing I did it. At least I said it. At least I tried. Anything that happens after is easier to accept because you’re closer to moving the issue from can I help this to I guess not.
I can accept there are problems I cannot do anything about. Accepting that I can do nothing however is another story.
Maybe a grand gesture? No. Maybe a meandering writ? Sure, why not. I’ve often thought and am now regretting, “When lost in the darkness, it’s better to stumble forward aimlessly than stand pointlessly awaiting a light.” I’m definitely stumbling. Got that down.
The arrogance. To assume that I can change this. Or, is it cowardice to give up? How does one know when they’re beaten? When walking away is the best course? I don’t care anymore. It just feels like forever because I am painfully aware of every moment I am without.
Maybe I’m just not used to these feelings. Maybe I’m blowing it all out of proportion. All of these options are on the table of my mind like wooden challises next to the glittering cup of hope. Now that is most certainly an excessive comparison. But it makes sense? I dunno, work in a movie reference and see what happens.
But I always seem to fuck it up. This is one of my first experiences dealing with something so god damned confusing that I asked friends for advice. That’s about as uncharacteristic of an action as I can think of for me. How would they know anything? I try never to give others advice any further than “do what you think is best, etc.” and yet I was laid low.
But that’s my pride talking. Ah well, I obviously got over it.
I cannot, however, seem to get over this.
This is why one of my favorite movies is “As Good as it Gets”. He manages to somehow use true honest expression to change her mind. While my pain is not about a woman in this case, I am always romantically hopeful in the power of expression. Two movie references!? Calm down.
Just wake me up when I can go a day without being reminded. Social media, I’m looking at you.
I apparently and selfishly need it all. If not the joy, I suppose all the pain will suffice.
Please understand that this is not a cry for anything. It’s a release. The act of writing it is what’s important. I am not asking for anything and am not going to elaborate on anything. This is the most I am comfortable sharing. As a friend, you can choose to listen, as anything else, I can choose to not respond. I am seeking to become more comfortable with the idea of writing my feelings and letting them be judged under the cruel light of a computer monitor. This is a test. Testing.